Wellness Wednesday: Why Boundary Setting is Important and How to Do It
At this point in the semester you may be starting to feel overwhelmed with classes, overexerting yourself with obligations or struggling with your relationships. These feelings are all completely normal to have, but can be difficult to manage. That's where setting boundaries comes in.
Boundaries are expectations or limits that you express to those around you, and setting them helps you live a more fulfilling life. Clearly communicating emotions, expectations and behaviors can invite more peace into your life and decrease the amount of stress you experience. Setting boundaries is a great practice in compassion, for yourself and for those around you. It shows you carry respect for yourself and others by giving a clear indicator of how you want to be treated and how you hope to treat others.
Clearly defining which behaviors are acceptable can help when it comes to conflict in order to prevent misunderstandings early on. This practice opens a line of communication to promote understanding and honesty with all parties involved. When made clear, boundaries allow dialogue to flow with one another’s well-being at the forefront of the conversation.
Setting boundaries begins with clear, direct communication. While “direct” communication often has a negative connotation associated with it, it is important to share thoughts and feelings in a way that gets your point across. To begin, always analyze the situation by thinking through exactly what you want to change, the impact this change will have and how to discuss the boundary in question. Journaling can be a great way to focus and organize your thoughts in a way that will provide clarity on a situation. Enter into conversations with an open mind and kind tone. If someone feels like they are being accused, they are more likely to be defensive in nature.
Here are two positive examples of boundary setting:
- Perhaps you need to set boundaries for occasions when your roommate or significant other invites others over to your shared living space. Have a conversation with them about setting realistic time frames for when and what types of visitors may visit late at night while you are studying or resting to protect your peace of mind. Share that you have early classes or work and if they would like to have guests over on weeknights, ask that they check with you first, make an effort to be quiet, and leave by a time that you define together. Allow room for the other party to discuss their thoughts, as well. This should be a dialogue, not a scolding.
- Work-life balance can be hard to achieve. If you find yourself taking work home or are on-call all hours of the day, have a conversation with your direct supervisor to establish rigid office hours with built-in breaks. Highlight the toll that bringing work home takes on you and how managing your workload to focus on work during normal business hours is healthier for you. Block off your calendar with chunks of focus time to rein you in when feeling over-stimulated. Finding specific steps to take together may help your professional relationship grow.
After setting boundaries, don’t forget the power of reciprocation. If you set an expectation of how you want to be treated, follow the “Golden Rule” and be willing to treat others the same. Reciprocating boundaries builds trust and reliability in relationships.
What if someone constantly oversteps the boundaries you put in place? It can be difficult to trust someone after they disrespect the clear behaviors you outlined as acceptable, but attempt to share your expectations again and have a productive conversation to ensure they understand. At the end of the day, no matter what steps you take to minimize it, there may be people who do not respect these boundaries. In this case, you may need to involve a third party or mediator in the conversation.
In the roommate example, the next steps would be speaking to a resident assistant to work through the situation. Likewise, if your direct supervisor is not respecting your asks, think about who you could invite in to ensure the conversation is respectful and productive. For faculty and staff of NC State, the Ombuds Office is available as an independent, impartial, informal and confidential resource to help people build and strengthen relationships across the university. Wellness and Recreation is also available to help with boundary setting through our Wellness Coaching program. Our nationally-certified coaches can serve as your accountability buddy for setting boundaries to manage your time and relationships better.
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